Let’s Talk About Flight Neighbors. I’ll Go First.

Photo by Philip Myrtorp on Unsplash

You know when you hear those stories about people on planes who don’t do what most others do? And if this has never happened to you, you think there’s no way people are like this. Well, it finally happened to me.

The day started out normal. Got through security in about three minutes, didn’t have to check my bag, and got on the first flight. The air blowing out was 1,000° (approx). Everyone is sweating, one guy is really struggling with the heat and is literally dripping sweat. After about 20 minutes, the plane cooled off, so at least one thing was comfortable.

But the lady sitting next to me, let’s call her Mary, talked to me for the entire nearly 2 hour flight. The entire flight. The. Entire. Flight.

Photo by Leonardo Yip on Unsplash

I heard her entire life story (she’s in her late 70s, so a lot of ground to cover). She also told me the life stories of both her kids and two grandchildren. She showed me every picture she’s taken since 2012. Major topics she brought up were: chem trails (including pics), aliens living at the top of pyramids, how to make my own hand soap and shampoo without lye (with pics), that time she met a politician’s son’s best friend by chance, how she sold thousands of dollars worth of clothing that was given to her from the woman who was renting a room in her house (unclear how long this woman stayed at the house).

Other topics included was how teachers unions need to be disbanded (she taught for a bunch of years), she wrote 2 books (with pics), she loves Joan Rivers (same), Joan Rivers was murdered because she knew something about someone (to be honest, I could not follow the lineage of this story, so the details didn’t stick with me), how the government making us wear masks is the same as hundreds of years ago when the post office routes were no longer allowed to be hangouts for post office employees (?). It was a true whirlwind.

And while I didn’t agree with at least 75% of what she was saying, I just listened and nodded and laughed because I’m not about to get into anything with a woman on a flight. I know she didn’t mean any harm, wasn’t trying to push anything on me, and honestly I was thinking that maybe she was a nervous flyer and talking to someone made her feel less anxious. I’ll never know. She was nice and polite and I always love talking about Joan Rivers because she was the best.

So that first flight landed. They didn’t have a gate for us, so they literally just plopped us somewhere, and then we had to walk about 1/3 mile to get inside the airport. I didn’t totally mind that since I like walking around after a flight.

Then, obviously, I have to go from one of the absolute furthest points in one terminal to the other. So I power walk for about 15–20 minutes and get to the other side, grab a shitty pizza, and get on the next flight.

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

I’m in the window seat. The guy in the middle seat sits down. It looks like he hasn’t washed his hair ever in his entire life. At first I thought maybe it was an exorbitant amount of gel, but no, it was full greasy semi-long curly hair. Great. Then thru my KN95 mask, I smell him. It was awful. I have a sensitive nose, but everyone could smell this. We just started to push back from the gate as I wondered how I could block the smell for the next five hours.

We’re about 10 mins into the flight and he takes his iPad out. He puts on a 2 hour long church service stream. He’s praying, and like whatever, you do you, it doesn’t bother me, just something to note. Then after church is over, he eats his dinner (praying before and after). Orders tomato juice and water as his drinks — I’ve never seen anyone order tomato juice on a flight without it being accompanied by vodka, but he just wanted that sweet, sweet pure juice. I could never.

Then he’s listening to some recording and taking notes about making money. That’s followed up by putting on Pulp Fiction and skips over every gross/bloody/drug part, so basically he finishes that movie in 15 minutes. He goes back to note taking. He pulls up a map and starts looking around at various places. He also was checking out 8 bedroom houses in the midwest and east coast on Zillow, and the cheapest one was just under $2 million, and honestly how is anyone affording that? And also 8 bedrooms?

Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

Anyway, it took lots of years and lots of flights, but I finally have my “you won’t believe this flight” story that adults always seem to have at the ready.

Then I came home, had no internet, and slept for 12 hours. What a day.

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